creep

so... I'm not sure how to come at this exactly. everything possible, good and bad, has basically happened. first off, lets start off with the incident. I have been spending a lot of time with the same group as the girl that I like. we usually end up watching a movie then cuddling anyone and everyone that happens to be present at any given time. it's a little weird to think about but for some reason I seem to be okay doing this and I find that a little weird itself. anyway this exact thing happens and I make sure that I end up cuddling with the one I like. I eventually end up spending the night there spooning the one all until the morning. this was the opportunity that I have been waiting for so I took my chance and got a little closer. I eventually gathered my courage and leaned in and kissed her. that was probably what I really needed most at this point in time in my life. this might have been dubbed a bad thing to do though. the reason why it is bad is actually kinda complicated and therefore has put me in a position that I don't know to proceed. mostly because I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. if i knew how i felt then I'd know what I want and then I'd have to figure how to get what I wanted but since I  don't know how I feel then a can't do that. I was told that I need not to  look into this event in any seriousness but just as pure fun and play. I'm not sure  if  I  want to or  even can at times. I'm trying not  to also because I was then told later that day that I should not pursue her because  it will only lead to pain. that is a good enough warning for most men to walk away but it only puts me in a stand still. I don't know whether or not to keep moving toward her or just to run like I have always known to do. I need to know she feels and what she intends before I even start to make up my mind of any of this.

superluv

Women are going to be the death of me. I'm kinda back on the last girl again. she broke up with her boyfriend and I kinda (hoped) saw this coming. I'm getting closer to her every time we hang out but I'm still uncertain if all of this is just a game or if she actually has some feelings for me. must investigate closer. but even if she doesn't, it's still just nice to have someone there. it gives me some motivation to actually get stuff done in my life because that was the one thing that was missing all of this semester and that has kinda put me in an awful pickle. I'm also not really sure how to keep moving forward with her and that's mostly the reasons why I write in this blog is to just get out my problems and hope for everything to eventually be solved and end up happy. maybe some day that will actually happen but who really knows.

why does it always rain on me?

well this week has been a really shitty week. everything is falling apart and everyone is canceling on me and now my freakin iPod is now fritz  and is completely busted. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to live. once again I have no one to turn to at this moment but luckily for me I'm going home tomorrow so I'll see my friends and be distracted for a little bit...maybe. but probably the worst that has happened today was when I found out that my crush now has a boyfriend so that just fucking sucks and you know whatever. life sux and then you die :p

Roxanne

I am lost and confused. I can now say that I am over the last one even though I don't think I will ever actually be completely over her. But that is not what why I am lost and confused. The stress of life and school isn't helping my problem but it might just be the one thing that is holding me together and telling myself that I can't just lose it and give up on everything. now lets dive into my confusion. I have a new crush (wow what a surprise) and I don't entirely want one right now. especially when it comes to this girl. I don't know how to get me closer because, as I have observed, she isn't the type of girl that would fall for a sweet guy like me but instead she is more driven to hot steamy sex and that is not my style of approaching things. to top everything off, when ever I hang out with her it's with a usual group of people. In this group there is a guy that used to be her make out buddy. there is always tension between them and they are constantly flirting. she says that she is over him and nothing is going to come of it, but I can see that there is still something inside of both of them that can't let the other one go. I honestly want to just give up on this girl and move one, but then I wouldn't know what I would do or where to go...or even I have the capability to let this one go.

How's it gonna be

so i took my chances and stuck my neck out. and then everything crashed and burned. i just totally got friend zoned by my huge crush. now I just feel so alone, and not because of the loss of her but because there's no one left in my world. I've got no one else to lean on and all i really had before was the thought of her and that's what kept me going. and now that that is gone I don't know what's going to happen. I have nowhere to go and now I'm scared.

I'm looking through you

I'm not sure what to do. I really like this girl and I cant stop thinking of her at all. it really shouldn't have been this difficult because it seems as though she likes me but sometimes i just cant tell. I know for a fact that she used to like me and everything, but love has a nasty habit of disappearing over night. and I know that all too well. it might just be because I'm a total coward and not being able to actually talk to her. every time I even think about talking to her I start getting nervous and I get scared because I have no idea what she would say. I'm not sure what I would do no matter the situation. if I get rejected then that would be just horrible. but an even greater fear is if she doesn't, then what do i do. I just need help I guess...

always on my mind

 I haven't stopped thinking about her ever since . even when I'm not thinking about her, Im pretending that I'm teller what I'm thinking instead. i just really want/need to talk to her. problem is that i don't know what to say. worst off is that i have no freakin idea what she would say. if i pour my heart out will i just be shut down and rejected on the spot? or maybe even worse, she'd slowly but surely drift away from me without even saying one word. just like it has always been. i just want to be happy, and all of this is blocking me from being truly at peace with my self or whatever...

bitter sweet symphony

things have kinda slowed down from what they used to be. this is sorta kinda scaring me because the last time something like this happened it all ended in tragedy and all blew up in flames and stuff. but it doesn't matter because this girl is worth it and I'm gonna keep on trying till the bitter end.

help I'm alive

i am always doubting myself. its kinda weird. i am always think of the worst possible situations that would just destroy me. after awhile i start to convince myself that they are true; and im really afraid that i might be right. i so freakin hope that im wrong. i guess only time will tell....man i hate waiting. :ad

Imagine

tomorrow I'm moving back to college. I really wonder if I'm going to see her tomorrow. but honestly I'm kinda scared, because i don't know what will happen or what i should say. or even if i should just run up to her, embrace her, then never let her go ever again. but who know. only time will tell....I'm still scared tho :s

harder to breath

my job at the island lake summer camp is finally over. but i find it kinda weird because when ever i was with the kids i always felt stressed and stuff. and now that its over and all the kids are gone, im actually starting to miss them. i even cried last night along with all my campers. i will never forget my summer here at island lake. :'(

never let you down

a few days ago i was really afraid, and still kinda am, that i will not be able to see her face ever again. i'm scared of that thought and the possibility of it coming true. if i ever see her again im not going to let her go.

unbelievable

I've been searching far and wide for something that could match the beauty I see in her. so far I have seen some amazing sight but none of them have even made a dent in the comparison to her. nothing has even come close...not even a little bit.

I Miss You

I thought that by talking to her I'd start missing her less, but honestly it's making me miss her even more than I thought I could. I think its because I'm starting to realize that I'm not gonna be able to see her for at least two months and that is just killing me. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I just really want to see her face. her smile. and those amazingly blue eyes. help me. :p

happy together

i think im in love. i still wont say it out loud or anything but its true. i cant and wont stop thinking about her, not even for a second. she is so beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, and amazing. and the best part is that she actually likes me. no more being tossed around or having my heart yanked and pulled out of my chest. i am just so freakin happy :)

here comes the sun

i've noticed that most of my creativity comes to me when im down, or even depressed. this is the time when the "real you" comes out. it reaches down into your soul and pulls out all the beauty you have left, cuz if you dont then you sink into a deep despair. so let your true self shine forth and light my world once again.

dont you forget about me

i think this is kinda a wussy fear but i bet its a fear that a lot of people have. this fear is the fear of being forgotten. not having left behind something thing that people would look at and say "hey, that was the making of jake." im afraid i'll never reach that point where i can leave something behind. and mostly i want something that will last the ages. when life as we now it is gone and who ever is left be gaze upon it with all its glory and feel overcome with joy or love or whatever. i want to last. i want to live forever even when im gone and through with this world.